You never change things
by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model
that makes the existing model obsolete.
~ Buckminster Fuller
~ Buckminster Fuller
Introduction
Relationships between men and women have changed and consequently our expectations of our intimate relationships have changed. Yet, despite all the benefits derived from changing gender roles, men and women across the modern world do not seem at ease. We have high statistics of divorce and single parent families. The rate of fatherless children is higher now than it has ever been.
A man’s display of emotion it is still viewed as a weakness, while a woman’s display of strength seems offensive.
These views are beginning to change, and yet if you stop to observe, you will notice how much we still play them out in daily life.
These views are beginning to change, and yet if you stop to observe, you will notice how much we still play them out in daily life.
While our culture is sexually over-excited,
we know from 25 years of working with couples that many are having far less sex than they (and everybody else) were brought up to expect.
After being together for some years, partners too often stop being lovers and give up on having sex at all - at least with each other!
And when children arrive, how easily the partners revert to behaviours they swore they would never resort to and become shining examples of immaturity. Many of us can even achieve this without any children around!
we know from 25 years of working with couples that many are having far less sex than they (and everybody else) were brought up to expect.
After being together for some years, partners too often stop being lovers and give up on having sex at all - at least with each other!
And when children arrive, how easily the partners revert to behaviours they swore they would never resort to and become shining examples of immaturity. Many of us can even achieve this without any children around!
Finding a new equilibrium of love and power between the genders
is proving difficult.
Despite the best of intention on both parts, a couple’s efforts to reach this precarious new balance produce unexpected side effects such as feelings of resentment, anger and despair.
Slowly, disappointment moves in and unlike previous generations who didn’t have much choice but to ‘lie in the bed they had made,’ men and women today have little appetite for being stuck in an unhappy marriage for life.
When the going gets tough, we tend to claim our hard-won freedom, get out and move on. It’s an understandable reaction.
Maybe, after several ‘failed’ relationships, resignation sets in and, while it may not fill a heart and body with joy and excitement, settling for a quite life might seem the mature and realistic option. Once bitten, twice shy ... Twice or thrice bitten …?
But here is the point:
Both the above scenarios are reactions;
And a reaction is not a free choice.
We are in the middle of an era when gender roles are being redefined. Collectively, men and women have for a long time been polarised in their qualities: men traditionally are seen to be more rational, aggressive, even warlike; women as emotional, intuitive, receptive and nurturing.
We have tried to swap roles, with women becoming more masculine than many males, and men either becoming 'soft men' - so much so that the women they want to please will have nothing to do with them, or other men opting for an extreme macho masculinity in order to 'stay on top of the women.'
In hindsight, swapping roles like this may prove a healthy and inevitable part of shaking free from outgrown gender stereotypes. Yet, to create genuine equality between the genders, we must dare to each return to our own Gender Ground with open curiosity and newfound respect.
Slowly, disappointment moves in and unlike previous generations who didn’t have much choice but to ‘lie in the bed they had made,’ men and women today have little appetite for being stuck in an unhappy marriage for life.
When the going gets tough, we tend to claim our hard-won freedom, get out and move on. It’s an understandable reaction.
Maybe, after several ‘failed’ relationships, resignation sets in and, while it may not fill a heart and body with joy and excitement, settling for a quite life might seem the mature and realistic option. Once bitten, twice shy ... Twice or thrice bitten …?
But here is the point:
Both the above scenarios are reactions;
And a reaction is not a free choice.
We are in the middle of an era when gender roles are being redefined. Collectively, men and women have for a long time been polarised in their qualities: men traditionally are seen to be more rational, aggressive, even warlike; women as emotional, intuitive, receptive and nurturing.
We have tried to swap roles, with women becoming more masculine than many males, and men either becoming 'soft men' - so much so that the women they want to please will have nothing to do with them, or other men opting for an extreme macho masculinity in order to 'stay on top of the women.'
In hindsight, swapping roles like this may prove a healthy and inevitable part of shaking free from outgrown gender stereotypes. Yet, to create genuine equality between the genders, we must dare to each return to our own Gender Ground with open curiosity and newfound respect.
The challenge facing men and women today is learning to honour self and other, not despite our gender differences, but because of them. True partnership between men and women depends on both genders flourishing and developing into their full potential.
With this evolutionary development comes an unrivalled opportunity to discover what an intimate relationship it may look and feel like when we can truly say to each other, in mutual respect and recognition, "I see you and I love you."
We call this potential Potent Intimacy. We do not pretend that you will get there in a weekend or two, not even that you will ever arrive at that final destination. We do however offer a tried and tested roadmap for the journey towards it. Experience have taught us to trust that once you embark on this adventure, the final destination will become less important then the journey itself.
And one day you may wake up and realize that you are living your dream awake.
With this evolutionary development comes an unrivalled opportunity to discover what an intimate relationship it may look and feel like when we can truly say to each other, in mutual respect and recognition, "I see you and I love you."
We call this potential Potent Intimacy. We do not pretend that you will get there in a weekend or two, not even that you will ever arrive at that final destination. We do however offer a tried and tested roadmap for the journey towards it. Experience have taught us to trust that once you embark on this adventure, the final destination will become less important then the journey itself.
And one day you may wake up and realize that you are living your dream awake.